A Friendly Open Letter To Internet Scam Artists

Dear Nigerian business men, European lottery winner announcers and various and sundry other internet scam artists. (Especially the one used my email last week and purported to be me)

How are you? How is the weather there in Eastern Europe or Central Asia, or any other place where statistics say that you reside. The weather here in New Hampshire has been pretty hot recently, but then again it is summer here.

What season is it where you reside? (Really, I’m not trying to help the F.B.I. track you down. Seriously!) Is it hot where you are, or perhaps it’s the rainy season? Maybe you could just tell me the first letter of the country you live in.

I just realized that you may not even speak English. The poor grammar and misspelling of my name in the emotional plea for money you sent from my email account might suggest that you are not a native speaker. What greeting should I open this letter with? Namaste? Perhaps the Czech word “nazdar” or the Estonian traditional greeting “tervist.” Please let me know which greeting you would prefer.

I’m really fond of going to the ocean in the summertime. Is there an ocean near where you are or are you in more of a land locked place? Really, I’m very curious.

Do you enjoy the Olympics? During the march of nations in the opening ceremonies does your country march in the stadium in the beginning of the procession or towards the end? Where were you in the medal count in the last Olympics? Does your country enjoy more success in the Summer or Winter games? Again, it would just be nice to get to know the things that are important to you.

If I was to spin a globe and my hands just happened to come down near, say Uzbekistan, would I be anywhere near your neck of the woods?

I was actually so moved by your hard luck story of being mugged and penniless in the UK (even though, in your story you were pretending to be me to all my friends and acquaintances in my contact list) that I would like to send you some cash to get a flight home. To what address might I send the money?

Oh, wire it to an undisclosed location you say?

That’s no good as I have just withdrawn the money from an ATM and the banks are now closed. I love to send it directly to you though. How much postage will I be needing? Will I need a customs receipt?

Or maybe you can have me bring it to your embassy here in the states. Surely your country has one of those. (At general assembly of the United Nations does the representative of your country sit to the right or left of the speaker? Just wondering.)

You know, it’s funny. Since you hacked my account and sent out that message I have been in touch with all kinds of folks that I had not heard from in years, but who it appears were still in my data base. My old high school math teacher says “hi” and that guy who lived down the hall from me freshman year of college, who’s address I had in my account because I once asked him for a ride to the airport also suggested that we get together sometime when I’m in Kansas City next. It has been quite a ride!

Actually, I have been very moved by all the wonderful folks I know who called me immediately upon receiving the email. The avalanche of phone calls at 7 am (by the way, what time is that where you are?) let me know just how many folks I have in my life who care about me, including the roughly 200 or so wonderful people at my church (some of whom called the American embassy in London on my behalf) who’s concern for me was life affirming. I am still fielding concerned phone calls days later. Each frantic phone call and email response is a little bit of heaven, because now I know that if I was ever actually mugged and penniless in Great Britain there would an army of help available to me.

I have also learned to take internet security seriously. No more three letter passwords for me!

So it turns out that I have a great deal to thank you for. (Is it sir or madam?) I’d love to send you a thank you note.

Where should I send it?

How to Make Small Talk in Four Easy Steps

According to a 2005 Stanford University study that I read recently (I intermix the reading of academic studies with old issues of The Rolling Stone and X-Men comic books), the measure of success in the business world for graduates of the school’s MBA program was not so much the grades they earned in college, but the student’s ability to make conversation in social situations like a mixer for new employees or a business convention.

In other words, a student’s ability to make ‘small talk” (or “shoot the breeze” in other parlance) was worth more than a 4.0 GPA.

Making small talk is a time honored tradition and the practice has been around since the dawn of man. I can see those early Mesopotamians sitting around their fires and saying things like “Hey Thag, this sure is a hot fire, how do you get it so big?” (To which Thag replies, “Sticks my friend, sticks!”)

But participating in small talk is anguishing to some folks, causing them to rush through transactions at the store, face the wall when riding in an elevator and avoid dinner parties all together. We have all been in a place where we were tired, or in a hurry to get somewhere and someone else wanted to make small talk and it just wasn’t the time for it.
And, with the increasing isolation of technology (“Hmm, what should I do this weekend? I know, I’ll stay in and stream all eight seasons of Magnum P.I. on Netflix!”) the art form of small talk is in danger of being phased out all together.

There are little things we do as individuals that may inconvenience us for a minute, or not make sense right away, but add immeasurably to society around us. These are things like letting a car turn in front of you if said car has thirty vehicles waiting behind it (make sure to make a friendly wave if a kind soul does this for you), tipping a morning or holiday wait person a little more and picking up your dog’s leavings so the next person along the way doesn’t have an unpleasant few moments with his shoes.

I would add small talk to this list.

Some folks have to work a little harder at this, but it is worth doing because believe it or not is does add to the overall community feel of where you live.

I was fortunate to have great teachers in High School who believe it or not held classes in how to have a conversation, complete with a final exam which consisted of you and the teacher having an informal chat in front of the class on a subject of the teacher’s choosing. (I got the subject NASCAR, which I still know nothing about, but I asked the right questions and low and behold a conversation appeared! Perhaps this is what led me to a career in journalism.)

In that spirit I offer a few tips on how to get the old conversation ball going:

The weather: This is probably the most common starting point for people everywhere because it is the thing that affects absolutely everybody, and it is almost full proof when it comes to starting chit chat. Since we are currently in a massive heat wave in this part of the country, it’s a safe bet that everyone has some opinion of the weather out there. Don’t be afraid to start here. Embrace the cliché’, but don’t stop there.

Questions: Don’t be afraid to ask questions. This is tough because some folks are embarrassed to show that they don’t know something, but I say embrace asking questions as a life style. (I know my daughter Princess Supergirl sure does.) If that teenager selling you your coffee and sticky bun is wearing a scary rock and roll t-shirt ask them about the band. (“So what does a clown on fire riding a unicorn have to do with music? Ohh!”)

Compliments: It’s amazing how a small compliment can lighten up a whole situation. If your elevator companion has electric blue hair, let her know that it’s “really unique”. Be thoughtful here, because it’s easy to get into trouble quickly (“Ohh, that’s not a cat but really a small dog. My mistake!”), but don’t fear saying something positive to make someone’s day.

Observe: Just a small glance will let you know that someone is perhaps a Harry Potter enthusiast or a passionate kayaker. People love to talk about what they are passionate about (just ask me about my kids sometime), and one or two quick observations can get the conversation snowball going full speed down the mountain.

So go ahead, start that small talk today. You will make someone’s day, contribute to your community and according to the bright folks at Stanford University (they brought us social networking after all) make you more successful.

So, how ‘bout this heat wave?