Really, all you need to know about the direction that Western Civilization is heading is summed up neatly in two words: “pajama jeans.”
This “as-seen-on-TV.” item that can be found on late-night television and on the shelves of fine department stores everywhere needs no explanation or one minute commercial because the name of the item says it all; “pajama jeans.” Asking what pajama jeans are is like asking yourself “I wonder what that movie Snakes On A Plane is about.”
But somewhere there was a copy editor intern with some marketing company who was tasked with the unenviable job of coming up with the script for a one minute commercial about Pajama Jeans that would run ad nausum on the FX channel during the holiday season. I can see that young man or woman now, sitting at their desk with a pair of pajama jeans in front of them saying “how am I going to get a minute commercial out of these things.”
He or she (we’ll call him or her “Terry”) would probably start with the obvious. Perhaps a statement like “Pajama Jeans, the jeans you can wear to bed and the pajamas you can wear to work!”
Once this salient detail has been covered there would still be about fifty seconds of commercial space left to fill and no more information about the product to offer. Terry, by now in a cold sweat over the prospect of losing his or her job, would most likely try to milk twenty or so seconds out of the convenience angle. That line (said by that great voice over actor who does all sorts of great items like the “Snuggie” and my personal favorite late-night commercial item, “Mr. Steamy”) would go something like “have you ever thought to yourself ‘man, I wish I could just go to bed right here and now, this very second, but I have these darn jeans on and I’m going to have to take them off before I crawl under the covers’? Well fear no more my friend; your agonizing evenings are over! With Pajama Jeans you will never have to take off your pants again!”
Yes, with Pajama Jeans you will never have to take off your pants again.
Then young intern Terry will have to figure out thirty more seconds of commercial, and perhaps he or she turns to the coveted “celebrity endorsement” to fill space. Perhaps Terry has as rolodex filled with potential celebrity endorsers and chooses David Hasselhoff of Knight Rider and Baywatch fame to craft a request e-mail to. Terry works feverishly through the late night hours to craft words that will convince Hasselhoff to endorse Pajama Jeans.
And perhaps towards the two o’clock hour young Terry finishes the e-mail and fires it off to David Hasselhoff’s agent and then goes out to get a late night burrito to celebrate his or her accomplishment. Surely Hasselhoff could not say no to lending his name to such a fine product as Pajama Jeans. They practically sell themselves! They’re pajamas and jeans at the same time!
But then, as Terry munches into that first bite of mouth watering, late night burrito a horrifying thought enters his or her head; Pajama Jeans are a female item that only come in women’s sizes! That whole e-mail to Hasselhoff’s agent was wasted time because what Terry really needs is an endorsement from a female celebrity!
But who to call at this late hour? What young lady of fame and fortune will rise to the call and speak up for this finest of all garments, this futuristic marvel of comfort and ease?
Rest easy young intern Terry; I have just the celebrity female endorsement you are seeking close at hand. My wonderful and beautiful wife, Special Sauce Caldwell, would like to voice her approval, nay, her delight, in her newly acquired for Christmas comfort item, the Pajama Jeans.
I knew the instant I laid eyes on this item on the shelf near the cash register at my local box store that this was the item that would make Special Sauce’s Christmas complete. So I chose the appropriate size and purchased the item forthwith.
She was in fact delighted with this present, as evidenced by the fact that she immediately changed into the pants and has worn them all day. She is now resting comfortably in our bed, curled up with a good book (also a gift from your’s truly) and secure in the knowledge that, should the occasion require it, she could jump out of bed tomorrow morning and immediately be ready to seize the day, clad in her handy dandy Pajama Jeans.
So young intern Terry, Special Sauce Caldwell, wife of world famous and beloved columnist Tincan Caldwell, is awaiting your phone call. She will gladly endorse your fine product and fill in the remaining thirty seconds or so of your television commercial.
And should you ever develop a Pajama Suit that I could wear to a banquet and to bed that night I will gladly lend my worthy name to such a product.
After all, it practically sells itself.
