(The scene opens with a crackling fire place and a man in an easy chair talking to the camera. He is wearing an old fashioned housecoat and appears to be drinking a comically large mug of cocao.)
“Hello citizens of New Hampshire (and any Iowa folks who happen to be tuned in), former Massachusetts Governor and current presidential candidate Mitt Romney here. I know many of you were expecting to see Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer in this TV time slot, but I convinced (to the tune of $30 Million) this fine network you are watching to sell me this coveted piece of prime time real estate to bring you an hour of my thoughts on Christmas. You may be disappointed not to see your favorite characters, like Rudolph, Santa, Cornelius and that Bumble that bounces (by the way, does that Island of misfit toys seem like the rest of the field of Republican candidates this year? Know what I mean? Har har), but I think you will find my holiday trip down memory lane both heart warming and stimulating.”
(Taking a big sip of his cocao) “Ahh, I remember the many Christmases of my childhood. I grew up in a hard working middle class family like so many of you. Mine just happened to live in the Michigan gubernatorial mansion. I remember the many holiday seasons where we were not sure if we were going to be able to afford that year’s Jamaican Christmas vacation. There was no doubt about it, family and faith (Mormonism, for the record, but don’t let that fool you, we celebrate Christmas just like everyone else, by spending entirely too much money) got us through some very lean times there in Lansing. One year funds were so tight that we had to send my youngest brother to a state school instead of Brown University. He still hasn’t ever fully recovered! Yes, Christmas means a great deal to me when I think back all those years ago. And it still means a lot to me today, so much so that I want to treat the great state of New Hampshire to a whole new set of roads! That’s right; I’m going to fund the repair and future upkeep of every mile of road in the great Granite State just because the Christmas spirit has overcome me! All that I ask is that you maybe, consider, just maybe, throwing a vote or two my way this coming January. Oh, and speaking of roads, if you should happen to see, say, Rick Perry or Newt Gingrich out there on the highways and byways of your state, perhaps you could, you know, drive a little slower in front of their motorcade and cause them to miss an event or two. And just between you and me, a few stolen opposition yard signs never hurt anyone.”
(At this moment the signal goes to static and then the smiling face of Newt Gingrich appears sitting “news anchor man” style behind a desk.)
“Hi there folks, the old “Newtster” here. I used some old congressional contacts I had to take over the airwaves of this network for just a few minutes to tell you some of my thoughts on this blessed yuletide season.” Yes, family is important to me too. Very important. I don’t know what I would do without my family. (He stomps on the floor and pounds his fist on the desk each time he says the word ‘family’) Yes, family is what it’s all about. Yes, Christmas means one word to me; family. It means so much I’ll say it three more times! Family family family!” (Continues to stomp and pound his fist, becoming a little more unhinged each time)
(Just then the signal again changes abruptly, revealing the figure of Texas Governor Rick Perry dressed in an orange camouflaged hunting outfit with a rifle slung over his shoulder. There is the head of an impressive ten point buck mounted on the wall behind him)
“Howdy folks, Governor Rick Perry at your service here. All this talk of Christmas reminds me of all the times we went huntin’ for a Christmas tree back in my Texas A&M fraternity days. We would go riding around all day, every day, during exam week looking for the perfect tree to chop down to bring back to the frat house and decorate with beer cans. This one time we spied the perfect one on the lawn of the University President (did I just say “president?”) and we got Bobby-Jim and Johnny-Joe to knock on the president’s front door and distract him with fraternity sensitive questions while Billy-Bob and I snuck around back and made a try for that tree. We didn’t have time to chop that sucker down, so I got out a stick of dynamite and “bammo” we had that thing down in no time. Oh, man, good times.
(The signal changes again showing the confused face of Gov. Romney)
“What’s happening here? How much time do we have left? Five seconds! Vote Romney!”
(As the credits roll the screen splits in two, the credits rolling on one side and a group of figures crowed in the other)
(Michele Bachman speaking) “Hello Granite Staters!” Michele Bachman, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and John Huntsman here. We pooled together our campaign funds and were able to purchase this twenty second block of time during the credits. Won’t you consider one of us this primary season? We promise to all keep saying “merry Christmas” and not that demonic phrase “happy holidays”. In fact, what would Christmas be without a brief conversation with your cashier?"
(Scene fades out to a car commercial)
