Dear Nigerian business men, European lottery winner announcers and various and sundry other internet scam artists. (Especially the one used my email last week and purported to be me)
How are you? How is the weather there in Eastern Europe or Central Asia, or any other place where statistics say that you reside. The weather here in New Hampshire has been pretty hot recently, but then again it is summer here.
What season is it where you reside? (Really, I’m not trying to help the F.B.I. track you down. Seriously!) Is it hot where you are, or perhaps it’s the rainy season? Maybe you could just tell me the first letter of the country you live in.
I just realized that you may not even speak English. The poor grammar and misspelling of my name in the emotional plea for money you sent from my email account might suggest that you are not a native speaker. What greeting should I open this letter with? Namaste? Perhaps the Czech word “nazdar” or the Estonian traditional greeting “tervist.” Please let me know which greeting you would prefer.
I’m really fond of going to the ocean in the summertime. Is there an ocean near where you are or are you in more of a land locked place? Really, I’m very curious.
Do you enjoy the Olympics? During the march of nations in the opening ceremonies does your country march in the stadium in the beginning of the procession or towards the end? Where were you in the medal count in the last Olympics? Does your country enjoy more success in the Summer or Winter games? Again, it would just be nice to get to know the things that are important to you.
If I was to spin a globe and my hands just happened to come down near, say Uzbekistan, would I be anywhere near your neck of the woods?
I was actually so moved by your hard luck story of being mugged and penniless in the UK (even though, in your story you were pretending to be me to all my friends and acquaintances in my contact list) that I would like to send you some cash to get a flight home. To what address might I send the money?
Oh, wire it to an undisclosed location you say?
That’s no good as I have just withdrawn the money from an ATM and the banks are now closed. I love to send it directly to you though. How much postage will I be needing? Will I need a customs receipt?
Or maybe you can have me bring it to your embassy here in the states. Surely your country has one of those. (At general assembly of the United Nations does the representative of your country sit to the right or left of the speaker? Just wondering.)
You know, it’s funny. Since you hacked my account and sent out that message I have been in touch with all kinds of folks that I had not heard from in years, but who it appears were still in my data base. My old high school math teacher says “hi” and that guy who lived down the hall from me freshman year of college, who’s address I had in my account because I once asked him for a ride to the airport also suggested that we get together sometime when I’m in Kansas City next. It has been quite a ride!
Actually, I have been very moved by all the wonderful folks I know who called me immediately upon receiving the email. The avalanche of phone calls at 7 am (by the way, what time is that where you are?) let me know just how many folks I have in my life who care about me, including the roughly 200 or so wonderful people at my church (some of whom called the American embassy in London on my behalf) who’s concern for me was life affirming. I am still fielding concerned phone calls days later. Each frantic phone call and email response is a little bit of heaven, because now I know that if I was ever actually mugged and penniless in Great Britain there would an army of help available to me.
I have also learned to take internet security seriously. No more three letter passwords for me!
So it turns out that I have a great deal to thank you for. (Is it sir or madam?) I’d love to send you a thank you note.
Where should I send it?
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