California! Take off those sun glasses, I want to be able to see your eyes. Nebraska! Put down that corn dog, this is no time for eating.
All right. My name is Louis, but you can call me 'Lou' or 'Sir'. I'm tasked with making this a nice clean, fair, well run election. There are fifty of you and you each do your own thing when it comes to casting ballots, so I want your complete focus here. We do this once every four years (or two years if you count those minor league Congressional elections) so you can give me your full attention for 24 hours.
Can everyone hear me? Good.
Okay, to you role players out there, Texas, Alabama, Vermont and Massachusetts, I'm looking at you. We all know which way you guys are heading, so I want to see some solid cheering from the sidelines tomorrow. Let's see some positive vocal support for your side and not any trash talk. It's easy to say lots of things from the sidelines, it's much harder when you are out there. When poor New Hampshire and Colorado are playing the game of their lives and getting beaten up on all sides by political adds and robo phone calls I want to see solid support, no cheap shots from the sidelines. Got it!
Virginia and North Carolina. You're new to this 'swing state' thing, having switched teams last election. Don't let the bright lights get to you. I want to see a well contested election down there. And no grumbling about 'city folk' changing the demographic of your state. We all have to play the hand we are dealt. Your votes count as much as theirs do, you just have to get all your people out to the polls.
New York and New Jersey, I know you are playing hurt. We all feel for you and respect you for even being out here today. If you need to cast paper ballots or vote a little longer we all understand. Both sides are rooting for you. You are an inspirational story.
Florida, Florida, Florida. I hear there is already some drama before you even stepped onto the field today. I recommend turning over the running of your elections to Disney World. Those folks know how to manage lines. Some nice '45 minutes till you'll be voting' signs would be great. And no more polling place bomb threats! That's how Pakistan plays. We don't do that in our league! Lets see a good game down there Florida. Don't make us go into overtime needlessly.
Okay Ohio. All eyes are on you. You are the focus of both sides and I see you even made it onto the cover of Sports Illustrated this week. Don't let all this attention go to your head. It's easy to get distracted by those bright lights and cable news crews. Just breathe and focus and play fair and we'll see how you do on Wednesday.
To you West Coast and East Coast states. I know there are huge differences in time zones, and the networks are eager to be the first to call this thing, but let's make sure we count every vote. I don't want to get any angry texts from folks in Seattle saying that it's no use voting if they live there. We all need to play our part. That goes for you too Hawaii and Alaska. I want to see you suit up and give it your best effort. You are citizens too, even if we are stretching the definition geographically speaking.
All right, that's about it. I just need to take Illinois aside here and talk about Chicago and all of the dead folks who seem to vote there every time. Come on Chicago, just because you have the blues doesn't excuse you from playing fair like everybody else out here.
Louisiana! Put that gumbo down and get your head in the game!
All right America, let's do this. A nice fair, well run, timely election can be done. Let's show the world the meaning of democracy!
Tweet! Play ball!"
