Diego, Snugly Cat By Winter, Ivan The Terrible By Summer

There is so much potential guilt to feel as a parent, and so many people and things willing to help you in triggering it. (My child isn't walking as soon as the other kids his age. Perhaps we should have shelled out the hundred bucks for the Baby Einstein CD/DVD development package or the intensive walking/baby yoga class that was offered at the gym last month?)

So much guilt, so little time to fit in all in.

But what if the object of your guilt as a parent is not in fact your children, but your beloved, genteel, lovable, cuddly cat?I'm not sure where my wife and I went wrong with Diego, but something has changed lately.

We adopted Diego from a Humane Society as a young kitten and he immediately warmed up to us, our friends, our enemies and just about anyone else who would give him a second of consideration. He was, in fact, so loving that the shelter folks named him Don Juan after the famous Latin lover. We renamed him Diego after the Mexican muralist and renowned lover of women, Diego Rivera. This name also fit because both the cat and the painter have been blessed with ample girth around the middle.The first few years of life together were blissful and tranquil. Diego would sit out on the fire escape of our second story apartment and sun himself while looking longingly over the fields and wooded areas of our small New Hampshire town. I would sometimes take him for a walk on a leash (yes they actually make them for cats) when the guilt would overtake me. This guilt, it has to be said, was mostly caused by my younger brother's animal rights inspired comment "there is no such thing as an indoor animal!"

So it was to Diego's great joy that when the family grew by two small children we moved into an old farmhouse with woods and open spaces galore.This is when the great change came about. Diego the lover became Ivan the Terrible to the local "critter" population. Gone was our fluffy bundle of love and in his place was the angel of death.Where did we go wrong? Was it the generic cat food? Was it the week that we were away? Was it the new baby?

A wise man I know recently said to me, concerning pets, that "It's ironic that we lavish so much attention and love on our pets when the fact is that if they were bigger than us they would eat us."I never would have believed that Diego, my lovable goof of a cat, was capable of hurting anything.

And then the snow melted.

This is Diego's first summer as a full fledged outdoor cat, and he has faithfully brought us a present every morning. But it isn't so much the volume of critters that's concerning us, as it is the variety. (And should I be worried that he's keeping track of his kills fighter pilot style with x's on the side of his food dish?) I thought that we had seen it all, what with the moles, mice, birds, frogs, chipmunks and snakes greeting us on the porch each morning.

But it has been the live creatures that have been most problematic and worrisome to us lately.

For instance, this week saw the delivery of a live chipmunk (which played out like a summer block buster movie in our house, complete with a breathless chase scene through the various rooms and ended with an amazing, Matrix style, slow motion, scoop-up-with-a-dustpan-flick-out-the-open-window- onto-the-lawn diving move by yours truly) and a live snake that was dropped onto my feet just yesterday as I was washing the dishes and listening to the new Bob Dylan album at top volume. (I was glad my wife and two daughters were not home to hear the man of the house let out a high pitched scream of terror.)

We are all hoping (both my family and the community of neighborhood creatures who are currently holding a rally on my front steps, complete with picket signs and a burning cat effigy) that the return of colder weather will temper the fire in Diego's blood, and return him to the formerly docile pet that we have known.

I guess we shall find out this coming winter. (Snakes hibernate, right?)

A Pain In My Funny Bone

I think that after nearly thirty-three years, the joints of my body have finally organized, unionized and held a meeting.The minutes of that meeting were recently sent to my brain via my spinal column, and below are a few excerpts:

Lower Back: "Okay everyone, lets get this meeting to order. There is a draft of a resolution on floor right now sponsored by myself, Right Knee, Left Shoulder and Right Elbow. Right Knee, would you care to sum up the resolution for us?"

Right Knee: "Sure thing L.B.! Basically the situation we have here in Tincan's body is that a few of us joints bear the responsibility for all the pain that gets experienced, and, well, frankly we think that the rest of the joints of the body should start pulling their weight and share in some of the pain."

Left Shoulder: "That's right man, preach it!"

Right Elbow: "You tell 'em Right Knee!"

Right Knee: "All right fellows, simmer down. Where was I? Oh right, a schedule. What we propose is that every joint be scheduled for a little pain every day on a rotating basis, thus giving a few of us some needed (no pun intended) down time."

Left Hip: "But won't Tincan be suspicious when he wakes up with aches and pains in places where he's never had them beore?"

Right Knee: "Well, we've considered that, and we came to the conclusion that since the brain is also going on this body, this is the perfect time to act. Tincan won't know what's going on."Lower Back: "We know it's a bit of a gamble, but we feel that the current situation can't go on like this."

Left Shoulder: "Yeah, I've been in pain since the great soccer injury of '93!"

Right Wrist: "Hey, if this resolution passes, who's scheduled for pain tomorrow?"

Right Knee: "Let's see here, it says that Left Big Toe is the first one up to bat."

Right Ankle: "Hey, Tincan's birthday is coming up soon. We should do something special. Who's on duty that day?"

Right Knee: "That would be...let me just flip the page here...okay, here it is, both Thumbs!"

Thumbs: "Oh boy!"

Lower Back: "So that's the vote before us folks. Are we going to be a team here or what? "Who votes "yes" on Resolution O.U.C.H.?"

All joints in unison: "Aye!"


I can't wait for my birthday next month.Does anyone have any Motrin?

The Exhausted Comedian

Having been somewhat exhausted lately, I've been finding it hard to summon the energy it takes to be funny. (And indeed, some would say I've never summoned the energy it takes to be funny)

But I digress, what was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, exhaustion and comedy.

This has got me wondering "are my comedian heroes, the funnymen I grew up idolizing, ever too tired to be funny?"

Let's investigate, shall we?

The scene is New York City in November.

Reporter: "Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, you've just finished the New York City Marathon, say something funny for our TV audience out there"
Seinfeld: (Breathing heavily and bent over with exhaustion) "What...is the deal...with pot holes? There's no pots out there... just...holes!"

Or what about that dad of all dads and funny man extrodinare Bill Cosby?

The scene takes place in a hospital room at Philadelphia's world renown Friend's Hospital.

Reporter: (Speaking to a groggy, anesthetized Bill Cosby) "Mr. Cosby, you've just come out intensive open heart surgery, say something funny for our viewers out there."
Cosby: "Jello Pudding Pops!"
Reporter: "What was that Mr. Cosby?"
Cosby (Grabbing the reporter by the collar and pulling him in close) "I...want...a...Jello...Pudding...Pop!"
Reporter: (Yelling somewhat desperately to the nurses station) "Can someone get Mr. Cosby a pudding pop please!"

Or what about my personal favorite funny man, Robin Williams? Might we be able to conjure up a scenario where this master of improv comedy might not be funny?

The scene is an airport runway where a beleaguered and very sunburnt Robin Williams is exiting an airplane and facing a crowd of rowdy, cheering fans and the media.

Reporter: "Mr. Williams, you just survived a plane crash and six months on a deserted desert island, do you have anything funny to say to all your fans out there?"
Robin Williams: (Grabbing the microphone out of the reporter's hand) "Woooooooweee, it's good to be back! I've lost so much weight I think I can qualify as a carry on item! When I first crashed on the island it was so deserted it was like a health food store on Fat Tuesday! Then a tribe of cannibals showed up and invited me for dinner, and it was like the time I ate at the Kennedy's house! I was like "mmm, needs barbecue sauce!" Then the British Navy rescued me and it was like (assuming a thick British accent) "Mr. Williams, are you all right? Would you like a spot of tea and a cracker!" And I said "cracker, cracker! Don't even get me started...

Okay, so Robin Williams could be funny anywhere.Thanks folks, for taking a slight diversion with me this time out. After a week or so I should be back in fighting shape.

So make sure to get some sleep and take those vitamins.

- Tincan

The Bright Side of 28 Days of Rain

"Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side"

- The Carter Family

Okay, so the National Weather Service is located in Gray, Maine.This has got to change.I'm no psychology expert, but there has got to be an effect on the general public when they hear the words "national", "weather" and "gray" over and over again in the same sentence. (I know the spelling of "grey" is different than the town name, "Gray", but spelling is not a factor when you're hearing the weather report on the radio)

So I hereby propose that the National Weather Service be relocated to Sunnyvale, California. Who is with me?

Having said that, I offer an attempt to look at the bright side (in the spirit of the above mentioned Carter Family, who wrote that song in the midst of the Great Depression) of all this moisture that has fallen on us here in the Northeast the last month. (The sixth rainiest June since those folks in Gray started keeping track of such things)

1. Lost Weight: The sugar in my sugar bowl/dispenser has congealed into one solid lump on account of the great moisture in the air. This inability to sweeten food and drink in my home has resulted in the loss of a few pounds by yours truly.

2. Great Savings: I have saved a bundle on the following items; Sunscreen, air conditioning, new summer clothing for my kids, and those pesky fees to watch baseball games or outdoor concerts. Also, speaking of sunscreen...

3. Skin Cancer Prevention: Who could be upset with warding off skin cancer for at least a month? This is especially important for folks like me who have a little more exposed real estate up top. (If you know what I mean)

4. Low Motor Cycle Accident Rate: Follow my train of thought just a minute here; rain equals less motorcycles on the road, less motorcycles mean less motorcycle accidents. Voila!

5. Good For Hollywood Blockbusters: Do you honestly think that an awful movie like Transformers 2 (or whatever goofy title it's going by) would have made as much moolah if folks had been able to choose between it and say, anything outdoors?

6. Easy Small Talk Subject: "Hey, how about all this rain?" "Yeah, sure is crazy!"

7. Lawn Care: Thanks to all this rain the formerly bare spots on my lawn have finally grown in. What formerly looked like patches of the Sahara now resemble the Amazon Basin. In fact, I think that a venus flytrap just got one of my cats.

8. Record Profits For Weather.Com: Record traffic for the site must mean record profits from advertising dollars.

9. Low Environmental Impact: This one is from my friend Nancy. Fewer outdoor parties equal less propane used. Who could argue with this?

10. I got a column out of it: Thanks folks.

Stay dry out there,

Tincan

The last 100 Days of Bobby Greenpants

The great state of New Hampshire is dotted with many storied boarding schools that have great traditions and who turn out some of the finest students in the world.

One such institution, Rumbling Meadows Academy in beautiful Conifer, New Hampshire has a tradition of requiring their graduating seniors to keep a journal of their last one hundred days as a student, starting with a fine celebratory dinner in the late winter to kick off the count down to graduation.

A memorable student of this year's class, Bobby Greenpants (Robert Forest Greenpants III) has submitted his journal to Live Free On Rye for posterity and has graciously allowed us to print a few select entries. (Mostly, it seems,with hopes of impressing a certain Miss Jenny Parker)Bobby will be a freshman wrestler and lacrosse player this coming fall at the University of New Hampshire's Winnasaugie campus, and we wish him the best of luck.

Please note that the poor behavior cited here is not an endorsement of such acts, but serves to illustrate how one student grew during his time at Rumbling Meadows Academy.

Day 100: Gave triumphant speech at the Hundred Days Dinner tonight. I know that they took a chance with letting me speak, but I think that I rewarded their confidence by skipping my written comments and throwing it down with my mad lyrical skillz. I thought about sticking in a few profanities in the middle of the verse about formal dinner, but I decided that with all those trustee guys there I shouldn't. My advisor says I made a good decision. Rock!

Day 87: There is still snow on the ground, so today I finally made my move on Jenny Parker. I've liked her since sophomore year and today I let her know it by showing off my fastball and hitting a freshman with a snowball. She seemed upset. Need to talk to advisor again. Day 65: Today was our first lacrosse game of the season. It was an away game in Vermont and I totally bonked out and forgot the shaft of my lacrosse stick in my room. It's metal, so I was trying to use it as an antenna for my TV so that I could watch the Red Sox game. Anyway, I found a broom that they keep in the back of the bus, and I totally broke it in half and used the handle for the shaft of my lacrosse stick. I got tossed out for having an illegal stick, but I got five good minutes in!

Day 48: Totally overslept first period today. When the teacher sent my roommate to get me I hid under my bed until he was gone. Found old banana that was causing the bad smell.Day 33: Rock! Jenny Parker is in my group for the Hamlet presentation! Took advisor's advice and apologized for the snowball. She said "that's okay, but make sure to apologize to that freshman too". I'm totally going to do that tomorrow. Rock!

Day 24: Bad day! It started out good. Scored goal in lacrosse game. To celebrate I did a back flip and landed weird on my ankle. The athletic trainer gave me one of those heating pads that you stick in a microwave to put on my ankle. Before study hall I put it in the microwave and went to see Jimmy Pascoe. I guess I put the thing in for too long because it caught on fire. The fire department came when the smoke set off the alarm. It wasn't my fault! Jimmy got me with a wet wad of toilet paper and I totally had to go shaving cream his room.

Day 7: Senior trip was awesome. Jenny Parker and I are going out, I think. She said that I could visit her this summer at her house in North Carolina. She's going to college some place in California. That's a long way from Winnasaugie.Day 1. Graduated today. When they called my name out I walked across the stage and said "awe yeah" really loud. Then I gave a big thumbs up to my parents. When the speaker said "I present to you the class of 2009" I threw my hat up in the air like they do in the movies. It was a little weird because nobody else did it, and I had to go find my hat afterward. I'm psyched to go see Jenny in two weeks.

Day -4: Started summer job at ice cream stand today. I totally impressed my new friends by eating a whole gallon of Rocky Road in an hour. I don't think I'm gonna to make it to work tomorrow.

Good luck in college Bobby, only seventy two days of summer to go.

Dora The Explorer Saves Bike Week (A Few Modest Family Friendly Suggestions)

Another Bike Week is almost upon us here in New Hampshire, and it's got me thinking.

For those readers unfamiliar with the cultural phenomenon known as "Bike Week" kindly let me explain it to you with one long, long sentence.

Thousands and thousands of Bike Enthusiasts (the term "Biker" with it's connotations of tattoos, chains, leather and surely dispositions is mostly a relic of the past and is no longer accurate as the average Bike Week attendee is an accountant from Connecticut with a Harley) descend upon the beautiful Lakes Region of the state for a week long (but who are we kidding, they get here a week early and leave just about the time the leaves turn colors) rally which features music, riding competitions, corporate sponsorship, (a relatively new feature that we'll get to in a moment) wild motorcycle designs and copious witty tee-shirts. ("Bikers Have Feelings Too" being my favorite so far)

The event has definitely evolved from its outlaw roots fifty plus years ago to the tamer, marketable event that it is today, complete with sponsorship from reputable banks, insurance agencies and beverage companies.There is however talk in the wind that the event has become perhaps a little too respectable as of late, but as a father of two little girls I say "bring it on."In fact I have a few suggestions if Bike Week really wants to target that elusive "family demographic."

It all starts with an event mascot, (a' la the Olympics or the World Cup) and for that prestigious position I suggest the Nickelodeon Channel's "Dora The Explorer."Not only would Dora's presence on Bike Week literature and advertisements entice my two young daughters to attend, but I feel that Dora represents a new breed of child hero, one who possesses an Emersonian self reliance, is given to problem solving and who is regularly seen riding a motorcycle through the jungle. Dora seems a much better choice than Barbie, (who has occasionally been seen on a motorcycle, but mostly in a pink sidecar while her pretty boy Ken drives) My Little Pony or Hannah Montana.

Next let's talk about music.The event regularly trucks in popular "motorcycle friendly" rock and roll acts such as ZZ Top, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Steppenwolf and various and sundry Country and Western artists. These bands are indeed well chosen for the event as it now stands, but I say bring on the Wiggles.Yes, the wiggles, those well meaning, middle aged Australian gents who dress in color coded outfits (which always seem to me as if they were inspired by early Star Trek episodes) and play toddler friendly rock and roll with song titles such as "Dorothy The Dinosaur Dances With Me." These fellows would generally amp up the family friendly vibe and their thick, almost unintelligible Australian accents would endear themselves to any fan of Ozzy Osbourne.

The organizers of Bike Week should surely not make such drastic changes without much forethought and marketing research. But as a gatekeeper of the coveted family demographic (the same demographic that continues to make Pixar films highly successful) I encourage them to give these suggestions serious consideration.So, in the future, should the Budweiser Corporation ever rescind it's sponsorship of Bike Week, I ask the organizers to give me a call if they wish to get Disney's contact information.

It's on the back of every DVD in my house.

New Hampshire Applications For The iPhone (An Open letter to Mr. Steve Jobs of Apple Inc.)

Dear Mr. Jobs,

Recently, while working my way through a stack of current magazines, I spied the exact same advertisement on the back of each of them for the new generation iPhone and all the nifty applications that can now be purchased for it. There is everything from the useful, (GPS locator, level) to the inspired. (My mother will surely jump on board the iPhone train thanks to that nifty yard sale locator option)

And right then and there it dawned on me that there is a further fortune to be made in coming up with applications that are geared towards the state in which the iPhone owner lives.So if I may be so bold Mr. Jobs, I'd like to get the ball rolling and submit a few iPhone application ideas for my home state of New Hampshire.

The Massachusetts Border Alert Application: With it's no nonsense logo of the state of Massachusetts with a skull and crossbones superimposed over it, this handy dandy feature would sound an alert when the New Hampshire iPhone owner wanders too near to the Massachusetts border and that state's higher taxes, hyper-aggressive drivers and impenetrable accent.

Maple Syrup Tester: This useful option would let the iPhone user test any maple syrup he or she came across for authenticity, because we all know what a shame it is to taste anything but 100% pure New Hampshire maple syrup. The iPhone self cleaning option would be sold separately.

Presidential Primary Season Politician Locator: In the year leading up to a presidential election our fair state is overrun with those who are scurrying for higher office and who will do just about anything for a little publicity. This wonderful feature would let the iPhone user locate the nearest candidate for glad handing, back slapping, baby kissing, or for doing odd jobs around the house. Useful for locating Mitt Romney to clean out your gutters, Al Sharpton to wash your car or Howard Dean to yell and scare away the deer in your vegetable garden. The icon for this feature would be a big pair of lips superimposed over a baby bottle.

New York Yankees Loss Alert: For those iPhone users who are having a rough day, this item will alert you instantly when the Yankees lose a game, have a player test positive for steroids or featured in the tabloids. Makes any Red Sox fan's day brighter.

Thank you for your time Mr. Jobs, I know that it's valuable. I have many other thoughts and ideas to pitch should you find yourself at loss for new iPhone features. I will in fact work for very little, just a new iPhone is all I ask for, and perhaps an application to help me locate a cell phone signal somewhere here in the state.

Sincerely,

Tincan Caldwell