We who live in the northern climes of our planet practice a sort of collective, selective amnesia when it comes to snow and cold temperatures. Every year, probably since the dawn of man, we have looked out at the barren ground all around us and said, “I wish there was some pretty snow to cover all this barren ground. And some sub-zero temperatures to freeze the lake would be nice too.”
Then, roughly 48 hours after snow and freezing temperatures arrive, we silently curse the weather and plan our eventual move to Del Vista Boca, Fla.
It is this way every year, and I’m the only one I know who doesn’t fall for the Currier and Ives propaganda that is perpetuated every winter season on tins of caramel popcorn and decorative plates for the mantle. I don’t buy those happy scenes of Colonial Americans smiling brightly as they ride in their sleighs through festively decorated town squares, the patriotism swelling in their hearts and thoughts of hearth and home warming their insides.
Most likely the Colonials in those winter scenes are saying to themselves, “Boy, all this snow doth suck. I surely hope I don’t catch smallpox this winter tide. Perhaps if some goodly inventor could come up with some sort of centralized radiant heating system I could take a bath before the good month of May!”
We may romanticize those Colonial winter scenes, but I guarantee you that those folks would give their left kidney to trade places with you and your electric blanket.
When folks I know say wistfully, “Boy, I wish it would snow,” I usually mention casually that I don’t miss it and I get that look that says, “You monster, how could you?”
I’m sorry, but as much as I love a beautiful winter woods scene out my window, I don’t love scraping off my car windows or slipping on my walkway and ending up on my back with a lovely cup of coffee all over me.
Snow is great right up until New Year’s Day. During the holiday season, snow is “festive”. After the holidays, snow is just a pain in the neck. Or, more specifically, a pain in my back as I shovel out my car and try to get open frozen doors on my state-of-the-art-minivan. (How the designers of this fine vehicle missed the fact that their product’s doors freeze up in cold weather like a Junior Higher at his first dance is beyond me.)
But perhaps I’m being too hard on cold temperatures. There seem to be folks out there who are both mentally balanced and snow enthusiasts. People — good people — like to ski and snowboard and ice fish and snowmobile. All of these folks can’t be crazy.
And there was a time when I enjoyed the snow and sledding down my neighbor Mr. Robert’s hill. (Thank you Mr. Roberts, you had the best hill in the entire neighborhood, and you didn’t mind a thousand kids in your yard each Saturday afternoon.)
So I guess it would be a healthy exercise to list all of the pluses and minuses of snow, and take stock of my feelings about winter in this way.
On the plus side, snow does make everything prettier. A barren, empty lot spruces up nicely with a coat of white primer, and those abandoned automobiles become delightful art deco shapes that fire up the imagination. Snow has a way of rendering even the ugliest landscape in a mystical light.
On the minus side, I seem to go off the road much more in the snow than I do in the blazing sunshine of August. I have been caught in too many snow squalls in the last few years. Two years ago, I was caught in one of those crazy ones that come off Lake Winnipesaukee and I slid off the road into a pile of frozen snow and promptly punctured my radiator. That little episode set me back a cool $800.
On the plus side, I do more thinking in the winter. There is just more time to contemplate this rich pallet we call life; more time to drink in the sweet nectar of time and age and ruminate on the funny and fickle nature of the universe.
On the minus side, I do more thinking in the winter. There is a reason that there is a higher rate of alcoholism in northern climates.
On the plus side, I get to go sledding with my daughters, Princess Supergirl and Princess Genius. They are at a great age right now and they look pretty fantastic in their snow gear. And the look on their faces when they wake up and see snow coming down outside, or a white winter wonderland outside their windows, is worth the price of slipping on the sidewalk and having to jumpstart a car that you forgot to start when it was minus 10 degrees outside. Having kids and playing in the snow is one of the best parts of being a parent. I mean, what other time in my life as an adult can I make a snow fort and not be looked at funny?
So, upon further reflection, there are some pretty great things about snow. Thanks for working through all this with me.
But have you heard about how many people have heart attacks every year while shoveling snow? Where are the public service announcements about this?
Snow after all, can be a mixed bag.
