A cold, cloudy fall day is a good time to think about regrets.In my illustrious career as a high powered advice columnist I have yet to cover the subject of regrets and how to best manage them, and hopefully stymie any further ones.
This I regret. So allow me to pontificate on the subject now.
There are many kinds of regrets, but I like to sand them down into three categories, based on their impact and length of duration.
The first kind my lovely wife Special Sauce helped me to identify. She calls it the "Burger Regret."
Burger regret is exactly what it sounds like. A few weeks ago I made the unwise choice to eat two double cheese burgers in a sitting and about 11 PM that night I knew there was trouble brewing. The fact that I even have a bottle of Tums around indicates what the slow, cruel hands of time are doing to my stomach. As I sat there in bed, groaning and trying not to cry like a newborn my wise wife looked over from where she was slumbering and said "I think you have the burger regret sweetheart."
I knew she was right. I am no longer and iron-stomached, 18 year old college freshman who could eat greasy food with impunity. I am a 35 year old who needs to avoid the double cheeseburger.
Thankfully "Burger Regret" is only short lived and can be avoided by getting a salad instead. That is unless all the burgers in your life have given you a heart attack. That kind of Burger Regret is a little more impactful. I suggest following the two "B's" when it comes to burgers - "barbecues and birthdays". Any other time get the tofu dog.
The second category of regret is the "Haircut Regret." This regret lasts a bit longer (about a month or more depending on how drastic the change is) and should be thought out before you sit down at that salon or barber shop. If you are a female, please reconsider the Basic Training head shave or the bright green permanent die. This will not be as cool in photographs ten years from now, I guarantee you. For men, please avoid the perm or hairplugs. Vice-President Joe Biden is not fooling anyone. Those plugs he has almost ran off his head and strangled the moderator at last week's debate.
The third kind of regret is the most long lasting, and unfortunately is on the upswing among the youth of today.
When I was younger the only kind of place you could find a tattoo parlor was down by the docks in Brooklyn or at the back of a seedy juke-joint in Baton Rouge. But now even my small, quaint, wholesome New Hampshire town has a respectable one and you can find one on the main street of any American town. Your local, heavily tattooed character is now a "tattoo artist" and enjoys a bit of celebrity as he walks about town.
Tattoos coming out of the dark is all well and good, but the same problem exists; a tattoo is more or less a permanent decision, often made by tipsy college students on the Jersey shore boardwalk.
Yes young person, that Kermit the Frog neck tattoo makes quite a story back in the dorm, but in three years when you want to be taken seriously at that job interview in D.C. you are going to have to wear a turtle neck sweater in July.
Also, the names of your High School sweetheart on your shoulder will not seem like a good decision when you ask someone else to marry you ten years down the road.
Thankfully I only have to contend with the first kind of regret. I have no hair to cut and my arms are way to hairy (we're talking werewolf levels of fur here) to ever have a tattoo be visible unless it were those new, three dimensional ones I know someone somewhere is working on.
Ironically, the only place a tattoo would find space on my body is right on top of my ample forehead. Perhaps the names of my children tattooed right there would let my girls know just how much I love them.
I think when It was time to drop them off at their Junior High a few years from now, they would be the ones with the "tattoo regret".
Let's make good decisions people.
