Porta Potty Anxiety

“The 4th of July, when a man’s thoughts turn to freedom, family and porta potties" - Thomas Jefferson


There are four heroes of the summertime.

The first is the ice cream man.

This brave young man (usually a college student or roaming hippy) lures the children of my neighborhood out to the street with the tinkle of sweet music and then attempts to not run them over as they stream towards his moving vehicle.

This whole process could use a slight overhaul.

The second great hero of the summertime is the lifeguard. Without this stalwart guy or gal (again, usually a college student) sitting perch over the beaches of our fair land, parents could never go to sleep on their towels whilst their children frolic in the surf and eat sand.

The third is the camp counselor.

I myself spent my teen years (just before college) gloriously marching campers around in formation and playing epic games of Capture the Flag.

I greatly enjoyed my camp counselor years (the rugged conditions, the low pay, the spiders in my sleeping bag) and without them I would not know how to march my own children around and I would have missed learning the great song “There Ain’t No Flies On Us.”

The forth hero of the summertime is the guy who empties out the porta potties of the world (usually a recent college graduate who majored in Communications).

In the past decade many states have passed regulations that stipulate that a porta potty must be emptied at least once a week.

Thank your lucky stars if you live in one of these states.

My question when it comes to common sense issues like this is “if the modern porta potty has been around for, say, about fifty years, who was the porta potty owner that was so irresponsible that he forced a state to come up with a porta potty statute.”

Actually, I think I once used that porta potty in the summer of ‘83. (It still haunts me.)

I am pleased to report that the porta potty has come a long way since that fateful day at the state fair in the early 80’s.

The modern porta potty boasts such amenities as a mirror on the door, hand sanitizer dispenser (usually bone dry) and, new this year, a working lock on the door!

I have two strict policies when all other options fail and porta potty use cannot be avoided. These are “no staying inside for more than 30 seconds and absolutely no sitting.”

When you see a porta potty portrayed (a fun sentence to type) in a movie there is always a character sitting inside a sparkling clean unit reading a newspaper.

This is absolute nonsense. There is not a human being I’m aware of that would spend the time necessary to read anything while sitting casually inside a porta potty. The human survival instinct to too strong.

My two firm and fast porta potty policies (again, really fun to type) were sorely tested this past weekend while at a local festival.

I have made it 34 years in my life without sitting in a porta potty, but that particular afternoon it became plain to me that I had eaten some “fair food” that was causing me some distress and as I stood facing a neat row of units (otherwise known as the “porta potty party pack”) I questioned my sanity as I prepared to sit inside for the first time in my life.

But fear not dear readers, I was saved by my intricate knowledge of all the available bathrooms in the tri-state area (ranked in order of cleanliness, availability to the road and whether or not you need to ask for a key).

My bathroom knowledge index paid great dividends this day, and I remembered a nearby facility that saved my heretofore unbroken streak.

I highly suggest that you make a similar list for yourself. Go do it now. I’ll wait.

Are you back?

Great, you will thank me someday. (I take personal checks now too.)

I’m thankful for the gift of indoor plumbing, for I was told every day by my parents while growing up about the “outhouse days” of yore when a midnight urge necessitated a trip outside in the cold and dark.

And we won’t even talk about the disastrous “two story, double-decker” outhouse invented by the above mentioned Thomas Jefferson for use at his home plantation of Monticello in Virginia.

Is anyone feeling the need to excuse themselves for a minute?

Happy 4th of July everybody.